


New in Mount Justice

by Alina_writes



Category: Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Drunken Shenanigans, Gen, Humor, Stand-Up Comedy, Wally West is Alive, john mulaney - Freeform, shenanigans in general, the one thing you can't replace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 19:00:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16373228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alina_writes/pseuds/Alina_writes
Summary: “It was totally unsupervised,” Wally says, loudly, as if to interrupt the dispute happening in the Zatara family. “We were like Robins without Bats; we were running wild.”“Hey!” Tim protests, sounding indignant, but Barbara’s hand on his shoulder, combined with a shake of the head from the Caped Crusader himself stops him from making further comments. Sitting in the front row, Dick chuckles in that wry, treacherous way of his, and makes finger-guns at Wally.





	New in Mount Justice

_At the Watchtower…_

 

    “Another story I heard about myself,” Wally West announces into the microphone, and all could see that this is the _pièce de résistance_ , the grand finale of the night, “was one that happened a few years ago. We had this nemesis in the Light, whose son happened to be on our team. His name is Black Manta, and his son, Kaldur’ahm, is our mole inside the Light. Hi, Kaldur!” Wally pauses and gives a cheery wave at Kaldur, who reciprocates with a serious but amiable nod.

    Satisfied by the response, Wally resumes. “Now, Black Manta—” he grinned,”—is an asshole.” A wave of snickers breaks out among the youngsters, while Superman looks scandalized. “And one weekend, he and his Manta Team decided to leave town, which you should **_never_** do if you are an ** _asshole_**.” Pronouncing the last word with extra force, Wally wags an admonishing finger at his audience, causing Artemis to bark out a laugh. “And our boy Kaldur decided to throw a party right on Black Manta’s submarine. Hurrah!” He throws up his hands in mock celebration.

    “Pretty soon, everyone on the Team heard about it, and we all got up, individually, and thought, ‘Okay, let’s go over there, and **_destroy_** the place.’” A loud smack rings out as Bart, Garfield, and Jaime do a three-way high-five, while a quiet, shocked “and they didn’t invite me” could be heard coming from Captain Marvel.

    Ignoring the commotion downstage, Wally continues. “I walked into this party, and **_every_** junior hero I have ever **_known_** was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the End of the World. We were drinking like it was the ultimate invasion and Darkseid himself was coming to saw our legs off.”

    “Is that true?” Doctor Fate turns to Zatanna, and though his face is entirely hidden under the helmet, everyone within a five-foot radius shudders from the Parental™ glare shooting out from those glowing eyes. “Um,” Zatanna fidgets, “yes?”

    “It was totally unsupervised,” Wally says, loudly, as if to interrupt the dispute happening in the Zatara family. “We were like Robins without Bats; we were running **_wild_**.”

    “Hey!” Tim protests, sounding indignant, but Barbara’s hand on his shoulder, combined with a shake of the head from the Caped Crusader himself stops him from making further comments. Sitting in the front row, Dick chuckles in that wry, treacherous way of his, and makes finger-guns at Wally.

    Returning the gesture, Wally continues, “I walked down below deck, where they had a conference table, and my guy Conner took a running start and threw his body onto the table and broke it **_in half_**.” (Conner looks halfway between smug and embarrassed, as Superman is practically glaring holes in the kid.) “And Wolf sniffed out which room was Black Manta’s, and he went there and took a dump on his computer.”

    “Crash, buddy!” Bart tries to turn and holler at Conner behind him, but Jaime grabs him and plunks him back into his seat. A few rows back, Barry Allen shrugs in response to the disappointed looks of his colleagues, as if to say, “Why are you booing at my son and grandson? They’re right.”

    “So, the party was going **_great_**.” Wally says, in the special tone used when a mission is definitely NOT going great. “And I was standing below deck, and I was holding a red cup—” he gives Garfield a wink, “—you’ve seen movies, and I was starting to black out. And I guess M’gann said, ‘Something something the Light.’”

    M’gann gasps, and Wally grins, evilly. “So, in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled,” he backs away from the mike, and screams, “’FUCK THE LIGHT!’ ‘FUCK THE LIGHT!’”

    Roy Harper, the one minus an arm, cackles maniacally, while Dinah buries her face in her hands.

    “And everyone else **_joined in_** ,” there is an immense pride in Wally’s voice as he speaks. “A hundred drunk junior heroes, yelling ‘Fuck. Da. Light,” with the confidence of someone who has, you know, defeated an entire league of supervillains, and just isn’t afraid of them anymore? Like, ‘I’ve-bested-Ra’s-Al-Ghul-you-come-and-take-me’ confidence, but junior heroes.”

    M’gann is now desperately holding back her laughter; even Kaldur is smiling faintly at what’s about to come.

    “The reason M’gann had said, ‘Something something the Light,” was because the Light was there.” A few gasps in the audience. “So, Count Vertigo walked below deck and looked out over a **_sea_** of drunk ** _teenagers_** yelling ‘fuck the Light,” Wally widens his eyes in emphasis, “IN HIS FACE. And he was almost impressed! He was like ‘wow,’ and then he leaned into his communicator and went, ‘Get Klarion.’”

    Zatanna bursts out giggling, smacking her father, who manages to emit a wave of potent disapproval despite his inability to make facial expressions.

    “Now my buddy Roy,” Wally points at the Roy Harper who has two arms, who squirms under the sudden attention, “who is now a **_father_** , this man now has a **_baby_**!” Several wolf-whistles rings out in the audience, with Oliver being the loudest. Jade Nguyen flashes her trademark grin, holding up her daughter like Roger Fereder hoisting his trophy on the lush green field of Wimbledon. Roy—the one with two arms and is now a father—sighs and closes his eyes.

    Wally is fully animated now, gesturing wildly with every single part of him. “He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled, ‘SCATTER!’” His voice bounces off the wall of the Watchtower, but it is quickly drowned out by the howling laughter of his audience.

    “And everyone ran in different directions.” Wally stated. “We ALL ran in directions. It was like that time the Krolotaians saw the Blue Beetle, where Jaime showed himself and the Krolotaian’s all went ‘wooaagh’? We all ran in different directions.”

    “I ran below deck, and I jumped into the air vents, and I crawled through the air vents into the emergency hanger, and now I was running through the hanger.” Wally is going practically at light speed now; fortunately, everyone in the room has some experience dealing with a speedster talking at top speed, and Wally’s rambling is no big deal for them.

    “And there was this escape pod in front of me, and I thought, ‘I’ve never used this kind of tech before!’” Wally pauses a bit, and then, “And then I woke up at home.”

    Laughter breaks out. Malcom yells, “Mood, man!”, causing Karen to giggle even harder.

    “On Monday,” Wally inhales deeply, recovering from the prior exertion, “I went to our base, because that’s what we did back then. And as I was walking into that temporary base, whom did I see but Captain Atom?”

    “And he said to me,” Wally now adopts a slightly panicky tone, “‘Hey, were you at that riot on Saturday?’ And I said, ‘No,’ you know, like a **_liar_**.” Wally drawls out the word, earning a fit of hyena-like cackle from Dick and Artemis.

    “He said, ‘Things got really out of hand: someone broke the conference table,’” Wally increases the whiny tone in his voice, “’someone took a dump on Black Manta’s computer.’” Not even Superman can contain his laughs now, not when Captain Atom is flailing about and insisting that he does NOT sound like that.

    “‘But the worst thing,’ he said, ‘the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of the Ocean Master, and the Manta Team are freaking out about it.’”

    Wally leans into the mike, a look of mock horror on his face. “Then I had that thought, that only black-out drunks and Catwoman can have.”

    (People would later claim that a snort had come from Batman’s general position, and Batman would claim that people were mistaken. But a snort did come from Batman’s general direction; make no mistake about THAT.)

    “Did, did I do that?” Wally stares out into the audience, which is now divided into two factions: scandalize adults and exhilarated youths. “I figured, no. I wouldn’t have done that. But I was never **_sure_** , until two years later.”

     There is a burst of panicked whispers from the adult section, and Wally flaps a hand in reassurance, “Relax.”

     “I was playing video games with Dick, who was kinda the mastermind behind our plans against the Light; 2 years later, we were both taking a break from heroism.”

      “We were playing video games for a couple of hours, and then Dick said to me, ‘Come here, I wanna show you something.”

      Downstage in the audience, a wicked grin is spreading on Dick’s face.

      Onstage, Wally mimics the same expression. “He took me into his bedroom, and then he took me into a side room off of his bedroom.” Wally shakes a finger at his younger audience, “Never a good thing to have.”

      Stephanie Brown and Barbara Gordon share a loud high-five.

      Suppressing a laugh bubbling up, Wally continues, “And he showed me this tiny room that was covered from wall to wall in stolen antique photos of supervillains from people’s parties over the years.”

      “Is it too late to call child service on Bruce?” Clark taps Arthur on the shoulder, who makes a non-committal noise.

      “And I said ‘WHY,’” Wally says in a loud whisper. “‘Why do you do this?’ And Dick said—”

      There is a blur of scarlet and gold, and Wally is suddenly standing in the audience, holding the mike to Dick’s face.

      Grinning, Dick Grayson announces into the mike and at everyone around him, “Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.”

      “Stand-up Comedy Night is cancelled, Dinah,” Clark declares, as hysteria erupts in the Watchtower.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ignore me while I self-medicate with John Mulaney contents, ye good folks.  
> Also, in case anyone's wandering about Wally's alcohol tolerance, I guess Kaldur provided some extra-potent Atlatean booze?


End file.
